I have many unconventional ideas about what eventually becomes the measure for success and how I hope to achieve it. I’m a dreamer who lives in a world, that despite what might be propagated dogma, does everything it can to extinguish and kill, and if it cannot do that, manipulate and control the dreams visions and passions of the human spirit. In my own life I have not learned how to quit. How does one simply drop or walk away from, what is the most intrinsically invested part of one’s nature? For me this is the talent and music I have applied myself to my entire life. At a particular time that meant leaving full time employment to follow my dream. It eventually led to divorce and estrangement from family. As situations changed, it meant traveling across country to experiment the possibilities in a metal band out of Seattle. Things not working out there I returned back east to keep a roof over my head. Unfortunately, we officially were experiencing a recession (I personally believe it is a depression) and there was no work to be had. So I applied myself to that which I knew – my music and expanding my own intellectual horizons. For over a year I wrote and recorded music, played at a local bluegrass jam on Friday nights, and was essentially alone in my cave. I sold off equipment to survive through the fall and winter. Eventually, even though I had the equipment up for sale, the good stuff had already been sold and there was little interest in the rest. Time and money ran out – debts had already gone through the roof—and I’m sure there are probably a few judgments against me because of my inability to pay. I stopped worrying about that a long time ago. If it isn’t there, it isn’t there, and there is no debtors prison.
It reached a point I had to move, but I had no money, had no place to go. All I had was some books, a guitar, my computers, some recording equipment and a few other odds and ends that I could fit into my pickup truck. A few friends sent me some money to help as they could, I sold some microphones and stands and that was enough to get me on the road. Via the Internet I have another musician friend who had been setting up a home recording studio over the years, some of you know who he is – “sonxpro” – Ed Talbot. He has welcomed me into his home and our intention is to see what we can create and produce.
One of the first manifestations of the transformation of my thinking occurred about four years back and I simply began to take the Biblical admonition of Christ “not too worry” for exactly what it meant – and I stopped worrying. Of course this sent the world around me into a tizzy, and I cannot say there have not been times that I had not worried. Things got ugly. But my mind remained focused – and it’s still is. And in my new situation (as insecure or as some may choose to perceive it) is quite comfortable. I have a room to myself, broadband Internet, three acres that I will help take care of, food to eat, a musician to collaborate with, and the studio to work out all the nitty gritty. I can claim ownership to nothing except a few meager possessions. But I have my freedom and enough talent and smarts to begin to make it work. I am in a situation where I have never had less control over my life, yet at the very same time have never been so empowered to do with my life what I have hoped and dreamed for.
If I did not believe following my dream and applying myself actually will manifest its own reward in its time – what is the reason for living? I don’t believe we’re here only to take up space – that we are to use the space – sometimes that is simply a matter of being, in making the best advantage of whatever it is. When I was in Gettysburg I made the best of that space. I’m now in Foster Rhode Island and I am in a space that provides me better opportunity. Regardless of the means for the crisis that led to stepping into this situation – this is now my situation. And it is a step in the right direction.
I’ve learned that going with the flow, the natural course of events, and being bold are not antithetical. Timidity is not a virtue. In some instances it may evoke a certain maternal caring, but that is not something that is based on the strength of character but rather a fear to engage. I must admit I had lived that timid life for too long. Our understanding of humility is in great need of reassessment. I dealt with that a few years back also. So I am bold with my dreams, and I am bold with what I know I am capable of.
On a practical level, Ed and I find our abilities compliment each other’s. I am more computer oriented and Ed is more recoding hardware oriented. Ed runs the connections and I make sure the network does what it is supposed to do. We both understand what the possibilities are, and progressively reveal themselves to be, and individually we recognize how we fit into the scheme of things. I believe a partnership is evolving – without contracts or legal binding – but a spiritual recognition of things being in the right place at the right time. Many I know cannot conceive of such. All I can say is – pay attention – I believe a more ancient and natural way of “doing business” and relating is happening. Some might call it being “in the spirit” or “being attuned to the universe” – it doesn’t matter – it’s all the same. Two “artists” – and I am discovering an online community of artists – are beginning to do what comes natural to them.
I won’t go into the details of life here right now. That is not important. And I’m sure I will share more as time goes on. But I am finding – piece by piece – it does appear that it is possible that dreams can come true. But in order for that too happen – one must first “dream”, and then move in the direction of that dream, and maybe experience a few crisis along the way that might turn your world upside down. But as long as one does not let “them” steal your dream, there may be more than just a chance that “god” or “Tinkerbelle” or “the Good Witch of the North” may sprinkle some fairy dust to get you to that Emerald City. But clinging to security blankets does not help one iota in growing into what the human mind can conceive and realize.
At least – that’s how I’m seeing things.
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