Thus I have written …

I feel that I may be a bit of an anomaly. I don’t lie, at least not intentionally; although to protect ones I love I’m sure I would in certain extraordinary circumstances. What I speak and write is very personal to me. I mean the words I use to communicate “are not just words”, they are representations of me … who I am … what I feel … what I think. Abstractions of what is “real” to me in my being.

There are some who think I use too many words and think too much. I will not argue or belabor the point, by their perspective they are right. But I will not cease to think nor will I immediately refrain from using combinations of words that I determine best expresses what I understand and feel. Yet … I do recognize … that in particular situations “words” are superfluous. And to some sound empty or hollow, without substance. It is as though language has lost all meaning and value. I find this a very sad and regrettable state that we live in.

I was married for thirty two years. Not an unfaithful day during that time and was celibate the two years prior and since separation and divorce there had not been a sexual encounter. Now it is true that in the past two years there have been women who have interested me, but nothing came of them. Something in the chemistry was missing or could not sustain itself over time, and I don’t believe it was simply a matter of physical proximity, though I may have jumped into bed had the opportunity afforded itself. But in all, my “obsession” with what I have come to understand as “myself” and being true to what I know myself to be was primary. Very few ladies (or men for that matter) can comprehend the totality of this, or maybe better said accept me for what I am.

To me my words are me. Or, probably as close as most will ever get to knowing me. I take them seriously … for the most part … though I can joke and cut up with everyone else … that often takes some by surprise and they don’t know when it is a “joke” and I am kidding them.

Having lived a rather “sheltered” conventional conservative life through marriage and raising children, there are those who consider my perspectives and perceptions as rather naïve. A year ago one even stated that they felt the need to protect me in what might be considered the real world of street life experiences. Unfortunately this assumes a certain ignorance on my part of the realities of human nature. I admit a degree of lack of street experience … but the lack of experience does not preclude a lack of understanding or knowledge of such. Business relations are something I have had all my life, and human nature is no less intrinsic there, or more ideal, than it is in any other facet of life.

For the most part I have had a rather good life. Certainly not perfect and there were the usual ups and downs and occasional crises that were a part of it. And even though my affiliations and ideologies have evolved I am still intrinsically the same man who was faithful to the same woman for so many years (that is ended), and find no need to fly from flower to flower. I don’t expect this will ever change. The track record seems pretty good so far and I have no desire to alter it.

So … you see … my words are me … they are not “just words” … And the woman I love … is not just one of the women I relate to as friends … she IS “the woman I love”. And there is only room for one … I can not and do not desire more.
Thus I have written …