Through most of this fall and up until just now I had to back away from my guitar playing and learning the pedal steel. But things have now, more or less, resolved themselves and I can start getting back into my music. It appears that there is a right time for everything, I think a lot of that has to do with one’s personal mental preparation and confidence. Just a few years ago I recorded a song "The First Time", I admit I had been influenced by a Johnny Cash version I had recently heard, although the way I use the guitar is totally different. But what stands out or where the influence is most obvious is in the voice. I have never been very confident about singing… As a matter of fact I was discouraged away from doing any… Until I decided to do it on my own and the hell with what anybody else thought. I sang the song very low, or should I say in a baritone voice. I had also recorded a few more but did not feel as good about them. Always trying to imitate the original did not work very well for me but on this particular song, in a baritone voice, the reaction from others in music has been very encouraging. Believe it or not I think it has to do with my age. When I was younger I would throw myself into it and that little extra effort in my case turned out to be too much. But picking up the guitar now and singing some of the songs I have known and played since the 60s in a voice I feel comfortable with, something seems to have changed. But the thing that has changed is not so much my ability or desire but rather an attitude of doing it for myself, doing it so it sounds good to me, and the hell with what anyone else thinks.
What I have begun to realize is that my art and my music is not for the satisfaction or to impress anybody else, it is to be happy with it myself… And the one thing I’m sure of and has been demonstrated is the fact that I am not the only one who will enjoy it… But I have got to enjoy it and be happy with my voice myself.
So where it stands right now I no doubt will be playing, singing and hopefully recording more… And I even have ideas of experimenting with the pedal steel… vocals included.
February 4
The human mind is every bit as pliable as silly putty... And one is able to mold it into whatever shape or thought or mindset one wishes to. Of course we can do this ourselves or allow others whatever freedom they wish to take. But the mind and the responsibility is still ours.
February 11
Oliver Wendell Holmes Senior after hearing a lecture by Ralph Waldo Emerson entitled "Nature" said that was America’s Declaration of Intellectual Independence. I can only agree with that to a limited extent. In many ways what Emerson expresses is an ideal that I believe many if not most Americans like to strive for, but most Americans not being informed, at least to the extent necessary, as to the influence of other factors which contribute to and make up the American myth do not realize how much their thinking has been influenced by these other factors. There are so much that we do as Americans which comes automatically to us, but it is not a something which is automatic but is rather something that is ingrained in us as we find ourselves a part of a family, a family with certain values, and these values consistently reinforced by the culture within which it must find accommodation. We look back at American history and we are educated as to the role of the Puritans in New England, what we do not realize is the effect and the influence Puritanism has had on all our religion, whether it be Baptist, Methodist, Moravian, even Roman Catholic, and many of these puritanical values and influences becoming a part of our secular culture. The point is as we are influenced by these other things our intellectual aspirations are relegated to become a myth of their own, and this myth as it is something conscious is a thing that we can choose to neglect or dispel or otherwise run away from as it is something learned and not something we unconsciously gravitate to.
Christianity as a religion had at the time of Emerson 1800+ years to become what it was, and through history establish its various cultural influences. Emerson, more or less, as a product of the Enlightenment and not to neglect a New England religious heritage, espoused ideals which for most of the populace were relatively new. What most Americans today fail to understand or consider is the fact that as we spread westward our religion followed, and Enlightenment ideas by comparison were of no match for Protestant evangelicalism where the idea of regular weekly meetings, camp meetings to evangelize and a tendency to accommodate the lowest common intellectual and educational denominator were a regular part of the program.
Many, if not most, of the ideas and concepts expressed by Emerson unfortunately assumed a level of intelligence and education which the average American was simply able to forgo. Unfortunately, as a matter of my own personal experience, I still find this to be very true. And there is little that is changed regarding American Christianity (of course I only speak of this in a much generalized way, I do personally know of efforts being made which conceive Christianity in an entirely new light. At least new as may be witnessed by the average churchgoer, and possibly thought of as heretical).
So Oliver Wendell Holmes Senior and Ralph Waldo Emerson may have had something "prophetic" to say, but like so much I have seen which so many claim as "prophetic" it is not a matter of this is the way it is, but rather a matter of this is what we are striving for… And maybe that means a whole new way of conceiving "Christ" and "Christianity".
February 14
I'm white, I'm sexually straight, and I'm a male... Is there anything else I can be that can offend you?......... Let me know and I will make every effort to try and accommodate you. Not!!!
February 18
Oh you poor Christian evangelist type, "did I offend you?, by cutting you off, or unfriending you... Or simply telling you where to get off... Or mind your own business? Next time I'll try to be a little more sensitive." What's so many Christian evangelicals fail to realize is that there are a lot of you suckers out there, trying to stuff your religious ideology down my throat, and mostly of a limited or lower educational level as to make a normal, reasonable individual quite sick and virtually want to throw up or hurl back in your face all the crap you have been spewing since we first met. What evangelicals fail to realize, and I think this is because of a lack of education, is that 99% of what they are trying to push on to me, I have already considered, and to a depth they cannot possibly understand, and not only so, may have spent many more years involved in their religious culture than they can imagine. But rather than trying to get to know me, and understand who it is this that I am and what it is that makes me want to stuff a sock in their hole you go on rattling off your religious verbiage and assume you are being persecuted when I finally take it upon myself to do what is necessary to shut you up.
Face the facts, it is not religious persecution, you can believe whatever the hell you want, I have done the same, and continue to do the same. The simple fact is I believe, there is a lot I believe, but I do not believe what you are trying to impose on me. If you knew who I am, where I have been what I am done, you might begin to realize there is more to me then just being one of your religious targets. And come to think of it, if there is any one who should be offended, it is me. I am NOT one of your targets, I am a human being, a thinking human being, and I just may know a lot more than you think I know. Yes, I can be patient for so long, then I will tell you where to stuff your religious BS. You see, I have been religious,... Just like you. But reached the point, being the thinking and learning, inquisitive type that I am, that I found your religion to be less than satisfying, and the less then what may be experienced as the truth in the world we live in now.
If you really want to get into a religious discussion, I am very glad to accommodate you, but you have got to remember, which is something I think you really aren't prepared to do, that such a discussion will go into a lot of depth, and include religious notions which quite simply may offend you and express a depth of truth you are not prepared to deal with. Yes other religions will be discussed, You See, in a discussion of the sort I am talking about all religion and the faiths you may be unfamiliar with are valid. If you are not willing to trust your faith in such a discussion, well, that tells me something about your faith, and maybe your own unpreparedness, ignorance or possibly lack. Whatever your faith is if it cannot stand up to scientific, philosophic or psychologic scrutiny... There is something lacking in that faith. But don't worry, and don't be alarmed... This is not something I have not faced myself... Of course, you may come out at the other end not quite so sure of the absolute nature of what you are trying to shove down my throat now.
February 20
We Americans have become spoiled. Of course I am generalizing here, as I know there are some who have not benefited from our elevated standard of living. Unfortunately most of these that I know of, it is a matter of their own fault or own obstinacy, and not a matter of opportunity. But that is not the issue that I’m concerned with now.
In the past 60 years or so, since the end of World War II, the American standard of living had skyrocketed, and many of us raised in this better than usual situation began to think of it as the norm, the way it should be, what we should expect out of life. And as our education was relegated to the public sector, even though certain measures were taken to try and educate us, those efforts to a great extent fell on deaf ears. So a generation was raised expecting life to be, and to come out a particular way. To an extent I’m ashamed to say I am a part of that generation, but to another extent, being as fortunate as we were, it allowed us, or at least those who took the opportunity, to focus on other issues, issues which in earlier generations had to take a backseat, as merely trying to survive was preeminent.
I am one who believes as a matter of natural cycles, where at one time our nation and culture had been the primary beneficiary, leading to our elevated standard of living, the cycle is beginning to swing in the other direction and what we had become so used to and accustomed to thinking of as a right, is now becoming a matter of survival. Fortunately, or unfortunately we will begin to face the facts that simply being alive and in a relative state of comfort, to be loved and share the experience of surviving together is sufficient.
I cannot say for sure, I can only observe and consider that much of the world understands some of the simple things, a sunset, and relationships for example, much better than we Americans do. Our lives have become cluttered, cluttered with activity and things. Activity and things that always keep us occupied, but seldom realizing the real state of the big picture. As I said above I am speaking in generalizations here there are individuals who have made it their purpose and goal to look beyond and do and be something beyond the expectation of commercial consumerism.
There are none, no persons and no things, which are perfect, which to one degree or another are not tainted with some imperfection. This can be physical, mental, psychological or spiritual or any combination of these. Besides natural imperfections, those which we acquire as a matter of nature’s own deficiencies, and nature is not perfect, human social and cultural influences come into play adding error upon error and complicate what might otherwise be a state of natural evolution, from which we may excuse ourselves as "the way God made us".
I am not here to argue the existence of God, but rather the reality of nature’s imperfection, Whether that be of a divine prerogative or chance as the dice are thrown and the atoms and sub atomic particles are tossed together and attracted to each other by whatever means. Simply stated evolution and the development of "life" is not perfected, whatever the human being may be.
One thing that has been recognized through the centuries that as a human being there is both a corporeal element to our existence and a mental (spiritual, conscious) reality to our being. How these two, the corporeal and the mental, interact with each other has been a subject of debate ad infinitum. I do not expect that debate to end anytime soon. But as much as we may in our scientific inquisitiveness and genius attempt to find some physical reason for our human imperfections, we are always left with states of actions and decisions which cannot be attributed to any physical imperfection in the human being. We have reached a point we do not want to accept, at least it is not politically correct, the reality that our decision(s), even as altruistic as they may seem at the time, quite often result in far less than beneficial outcomes as these decisive states are implemented. On a lesser scale we, the human community, and I believe particularly in Western nations, make every attempt to discount if not totally exclude what had been our historical spiritual heritage. To a great extent this means Christianity and the Bible. As a document and institution created by imperfect human beings neither one, Christianity or the Bible, are perfect. They contain as much fault and error as may be expected being accumulated over so many centuries and millennia. Yet despite all the error that is intrinsic there is also a great deal of truth, which we would do well to heed. That does not mean accept as unequivocally absolute, but at the very least do not unequivocally reject.
Unfortunately as part of our human deficiencies fear is something that transcends any spiritual or religious, or anti-spiritual anti-religious, notions. Particularly as a matter of pride in our enlightened state of mind, a tendency to reject "wisdom" of the past, whatever its source may be, is confused by the association of such knowledge with the error of its religious framework. Like any other thing a religion, a religious document or whatever, is subject to the same potential for error as the human being credited for its creation. We look at these things which have become institutionalized and by some they are idolized, by others they are demonized, or condemned. What we, the human being, fail to recognize is that virtually any institution or thing that we institutionalize is subject to any and all fault and error as anything human, which includes me, you ... Anything.
If there’s one thing I’m sure of this will not be a popular essay. It does not meet the politically correct standards of many of my friends, relatives or associates by other means. In some respects it is too religious, and by the standards of others not as pointed and express enough. Oh well... Through my life and learning I’ve tried to maintain what to me is a balance between the things I have learned from any number of sources and the things I experience and learn personally. Of the things I have learned, I am not going to please everyone, and I will always piss someone off... Oh well. But whether someone is pissed at me, or has some issue with me, it is I, me, who has to live my life, and I am accountable to know other than myself.
BTW I really didn’t get into some of the things I wanted to cover, so I’m sure this isn’t finished yet... But right now, I have got to get dressed, bundled up, and take the dog out to do his duty... And it’s only 6° below zero and about 4 inches of snow on the ground... The dog loves the snow... But about halfway through our walk his paws start to hurt and I end up carrying him back to the apartment. Fortunately it should be starting to warm up in the next few weeks... I have thought of booties for him, but I think he’d tear them off quicker than I can put them on... But we will survive...
February 27
The illusion of the perception of free will.
A week or so ago I found myself in a telephone conversation with a friend I had not seen for a long time but had hoped to connect with when I was in Texas. He is from Texas and currently in San Antonio. We had met at a time we were both residents at the Lighthouse mission in Terre Haute Indiana. Eventually we regained contact with each other through Facebook. This friend is one of the more intellectual and educated persons I have known. Even in our time at the Lighthouse mission our discussions became quite intense and deep, but in our phone conversation we ended up on the subject of quantum physics. Most of my study and interest in quantum physics had been gained several years past but there were new insights to my friend which we had not discussed during our time at the mission.
We certainly did not come to any conclusions, one seldom does in such discussions, only things are picked up where left off the last time the friendship and conversation we're engaged. But as we discussed the emerging facts of quantum realities, the effects of subatomic particles on each other , particularly over vast distances, the now famous single and double slit experiment, and the effect of the observer , one more enigmatic observation was brought to light. That observation being the fact that in some experiments the element of chance is a virtual nonentity. IE the ability to predict the outcome seems to be something predetermined ie it is not as if "maybe it will or maybe it won't" but rather the outcome is already determined and this being proved to occur more often then allowable as a matter of pure chance.
This raised the question, and I repeat we did not come to any conclusions, we only recognized there are certain scientific facts, which accepted, allows for possibilities which transcends human reason and logic. The possibility which we seem to be left with is a question of our free will. Do we actually have free will? Or is what we have actually an illusion, a perception of free will?... Like I said we did not come up with any answers... I don't think we were really trying to... Only exchanging information... And willing to challenge each others minds... Until the next time the conversation continues.
I bring all this up because I will be writing a review of a book I am reading and should finish in the next few days, but I find it challenging, or at least exposing many of the things I have faced over the past recent years. The book is " A History of God". The woman who wrote it is a former nun, and I do stress former, so there are some things where her knowledge of the Bible is quite extensive, though her knowledge extends well past the biblical. Suffice it to say I am impressed enough, and know of another book she is written and will no doubt seek it out and see what she has to say there. But as she writes her insights into past history, philosophical influences, and conceptions of God have proven illuminating. And even now as I approach the end of the book and can see the effects and changes of our conceptions of the divine, it is not difficult to see and recognize what Western culture and religion has evolved into now.
March 3
March 6Okay so I finished the one book I was reading "A History of God" by Karen Armstrong. For those who are interested I did write a review and it is on Good Reads. There was another book I started about six or eight weeks ago, it is entitled "The Origins and History of Consciousness" by Erich Neumann. I had to put it down after reading two chapters as it was too deep for me at the time although I was starting to get things out of it. It covers the history of human consciousness from prehistoric times using the myths of the times as a guide post, and I might add this is a Jungian concept, to explain the process of human thought at the time. The "Origins" is a book I will pick back up in the next couple weeks, but I think finding Armstrong’s books and another I will start reading the next few days lay a ground work for "Origins", which will make consuming Origins much easier.
The second Armstrong book I am reading is entitled "A History of Myth", and the book to follow it is entitled "Don’t Know Much About Mythology" by Kenneth Davis. Armstrong’s book is very short but from what I can see in the contents very well organized and to the point (I have already read the first few chapters). Davis’s book is much longer and detailed going into many ancient myths.
The one thing I have been able to ascertain from both books is that both authors are familiar with if not actually applying principles gleaned from Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell. The Origins book is also written by a disciple of Carl Jung, this suits me well as I am already familiar with the writings of both Campbell and Jung and must admit each man, particularly Jung, has been highly influential in my own thinking.
Carl Gustav Jung, Joseph Campbell and others along the same line of thinking were not the cause of my change of thought. This happening sometime around 10 years ago maybe a little bit longer. My thought has been evolving for many many years only to reach a kind of fruition which led to changes in life which I would not have chosen independently but recognized in order to remain true to myself I could not keep living the life and the lie… Pretending to be something I wasn’t… For the sake of others… It was only after an irreconcilable break was made, or rather forced upon me, which rather than fighting I chose to accept, that the ideas and thoughts of so many teachers and modern sages began to be opened up to me. In most cases these did not come as new revelation, but rather as explanation… Explanation of the experience… But the experience came first.
Right now I’m like a kid in a candy shop…
March 6
Life is not over yet. My life is not over yet. And because it isn’t, and I haven’t accomplished everything I am attempting to, I cannot make any absolute assessment of what constitutes the final analysis of reality. As I grow older, as I experience more, as I learn more, and learning be from a myriad of ways including reading, personal experience and the experience of others, the world constructed in my mind evolves. Now it is true that I place varying amounts of emphasis and plausibility to these different elements presented to me, but I am the one who must determine at the particular time what it is I "think" is the nature of the reality I am facing and how I must respond to it.
To think, early in life, that one has come up with the absolute of all, and thus consider any and every contrary notion anathema is to seal one’s mind in a vault, and thus, though one may be thought of as intelligent, in actuality render one’s maturing retarded. As long as one is open to new experiences and new knowledge the world will continue to unfold and there is always hope. Hope that regardless of one’s limited or less than adequate circumstance, life will improve.
To become stagnant in mind is essentially to die prematurely. Too many, though their circumstances may appear sufficient or even desirable, are already dead. It is to these that Jesus said "let the dead bury the dead."
I am not dead yet…
March 9
Back between 1982 and 1985 I was in a band with another guitar player who also played pedal steel. At the time I didn’t understand, but I can recall the grimace on his face every time we had to pack up equipment and move someplace else. For me it was just a matter of my guitar in the case, unplugged the amplifier roll up a few chords, make sure I had my stands together, and go. My buddy… I understand now… This is where the work really began.
The pedal steel has to be totally dismantled, and put together again, from scratch, every time you want to use it. And I can see now, before I get into it too far, the more pedals involved and levers the more complicated it becomes.
Another thing I have learned about the pedal steel, there are no standards, or at least the standards that do exist are relatively lax and the instrument itself is in a continual process of development. I have a low-end model, six strings and two pedals, and to be very honest with the theory I know I do not see the need for more strings and more pedals, at least not at this time. I can only imagine there might be some bends and altering of string tension which could prove advantageous at times. But for now I’m happy.
On the guitar one of the chores that I hate to involve myself in is simply changing the strings. Depending on how much I play and the kind of playing I am doing, I will change the strings respectively. If I’m playing gigs you can expect the strings to be changed every other gig, or if I think it warrants it I will put new strings on regardless. If I’m just practicing, I’ll play those strings until I can’t get a tone out of them. You see new strings really make a difference. They ring and sometimes you get the impression they’re talking back to you. But if I’m just practicing myself my primary purpose is to keep the callouses build up, and it doesn’t matter what the strings sound like then. But even then if you’re good enough you can make that guitar ring.
Changing strings on the pedal steel is a whole other story. Most of the strings seem to be thinner and tighter to produce the high tones it does. Trying to buy a standard set of strings, for me simply will not work. You see a six string pedal steel is even newer in design than the originals. The originals back in the 50s and 60s were 10 and 12 strings, and some double necked 10 strings. And even if you order a set for a 10 string instrument, you might get a set made up for a 12 string instrument, and most of the strings not marked well as to their dimensions (thickness). So I have found it necessary to purchase strings in bulk, and each string individually rather than in sets. I suppose it’s okay once I get it going, but I understand now why the strings on the pedal steel are changed infrequently. Once you do set down to change them it is a hell of a job.… But, Damn does it sound pretty.
March 11
Today, an acquaintance of mine posted an image on Facebook which said "unlearn something today". I do follow this acquaintances posts and appreciate his perspectives, but I do not agree with everything totally. He, because of his background and career choices has remained within the church structure, although he does write and endeavor to see change implemented. My issue is that he simply does not go far enough. And this on account of his responsibilities and economic issues which must be considered in his own life. Of course I realize many will take issue with me concerning this… Oh well… Everyone is welcome to their own perspective…
I can only agree with the statement "unlearn something today" to a limited extent. There’s obviously a great deal that we as individuals and as a culture need to "unlearn". But what does it mean to "unlearn" something? Do we simply toss something out of our mental category and leave it empty or is there a learning which needs to be implemented to fill the gap left by that which is unlearned? Or do we simply learn something else which eventually will have to be unlearned again, and the process goes on ad infinitum?
There are a great many things "half-truths", "errors", "fallacies", and downright "absolute lies" we live, accepting these as the norm and the way reality is. These, as much as we have adopted them, need to be unlearned, but that does not necessarily mean "forgotten". If we unlearn something and put it in our mind to forget it, what is to keep us from re-learning it at another time? The point is we cannot or should not "unlearn something" to the extent that it is no longer in our minds, unlearned to the point that we have no memory of it. To do so is to allow ourselves to fall into the same hole we’re trying to dig ourselves out of presently. "Unlearn" can never mean "to have no mind of". So, in that sense, simply having fallen into an error of judgment and life does not mean "forget".
There are great many "truths" espoused by a great many as being the absolute of what is reality and life. At different times many of us learn or explore into some of these assumed truths. Some make a choice to adopt one or the other, some even becoming very evangelistic trying to persuade everyone and his brother that this is the way it is. But simply being emotionally carried away by what to you personally has become illuminating does not establish an absolute in the sense that there are no other possibilities which are yet to be explored and experienced.
As a general rule, and I do stress "general", each time something new is explored, at least in my own life, something new is learned and something old is modified or supplanted… But never forgotten… Never totally "unlearned". My thinking expands, but I make a choice not to fall back into an error, an incomplete knowledge… Which may have at one time been an "absolute" to me.
March 11
Concerning the eternal mystery between men and women, and I'm not really sure whether this is something I should think on, men are very visually stimulated. This has to do not just at the primal level of sexual stimulation, although that cannot be discounted, but simply as a matter of appreciating beauty... The beauty that is intrinsic in a woman. I personally think too much is made of the issue of what constitutes a beautiful woman. But I do have to be clear, I like a well formed, by traditional terms, attractive woman. That meaning not obese or overweight, and on the other end of the scale not anorexic or skin and bones.
To be sure for women in particular, but this also applies to men, as age is acquired physical deterioration is inevitable. Weight is gained and often not in desirable places.
But the essential elements which are the differences between male and female remains substantially the same. What attracts a man to a woman is different from what attracts a woman to a man. There seem to be different interests, different perspectives, although these differences do to a greater or lesser degree complement each other.
There are those who would argue that there are essentially no differences between the masculine and the feminine. I for one can not see this, and I believe those who believe this simply have constructed a house of cards and to one extent or the other manipulated scientific fact, or more simply express dissatisfaction with the fact that human beings do have an animal nature which includes a separating and differing of the sexes.
Some would argue that this attitude is sexist and only perpetuates an historical inequality, elevating misogynistic attitudes and demeaning women in general, and more specifically turning them into sexual objects.
The differing of the sexes has nothing to do with being misogynistic or any of the many differing conceptions of feminism. It is a simple fact, the human being, the same as most other of the higher animals, come in two sexes, male and female. The nature of the one is not the same as the other.
Now the fact also remains that we are more than just an animal... Human beings are often referred to as the thinking animal. we have a mind and consciousness to a degree that is much higher than any other animal that's to be encountered... though when I consider some species and their brain size, simply being unable to communicate with them does not prove an absence of consciousness... We simply do not know. But as far as we can tell we, the human being, exhibit a superior intelligence and faculty of mind which we cannot witness in other animals.
There are many positive and negative aspects to our ability to think and rationalize, by that I mean… anything... With the right amount of thought applied... Absolutely anything can be rationalized and made to seem viable. That is one of the positive and negative aspects of the human mind. If you can imagine and envision and with the proper amount of time applied... create… anything. The ability of the mind, though I can guarantee that many will disagree with me here, is not only unlimited, it is also pliable and can be made to fit any and all that it can.
If it is, as it appears, that it is the mind that differentiates us from the rest of the animal world... It is the mind which is the closest thing about our humanity which connects us with the divine. We have reached the point in our human "growth, development, or evolution", where we... the race called human being... must come to grips and decide what it is to be human. Are we the most elevated animal species ever to exist on this planet or are we something more, or evolving into something more?
If our evolution means some of what it appears the mind can conceive, I'm not so sure I like what is being conceived... Conceived and too often implemented under the guise of the process of the evolving human being. Then again… I just might be a throwback, maybe just a little bit Neanderthal... that suits me ... there are some pretty damn good looking Neanderthal women out there... besides … some of them have brains.
March 12
Fear can be a wonderful thing… It helps to protect us and the operative word here is "helps", it is not a guarantee.… But fear can also be a very disabling thing. It keeps us from exploring and experiencing all the truly good possibilities which remain hidden as long as we are bound by our fear. Simply put, simply because bad things happen, or have happened, does not mean everyone or the world is against you. But we can remain in our cocoons and be protected, or at least feel protected, if that is our choice
March 13
I visited Mary Thomas today. I was there for approximately two and a half hours. Initially she could not open her eyes, for the most part she appeared aggravated whenever her sister tried to assist her. When she was told I was there and she heard my voice she perked up took my hand and held it for about 20 minutes. Periodically, in the few hours I was there, she was trying to turn on the bed and I asked her if she needed some help, she could not answer, but indicated to me... No.
In the time I was there the thought that went through my mind "death comes as a friend"... "to live, is to suffer" ...
As I was leaving I bent down and kissed her on the cheek and whispered I'll see you later... It was at that time her eyes opened more than they had in the entire time that I had been there and she stared at me. I have no idea whether I'll be able to get back to her... I think she knew, that was goodbye.
Mary and Me in Austin Texas, June 17, 2013 before she returned to Terre Haute Indiana.
March 16
objective subjective
I "think" I am, rather than I am a moral-ethical purist - pragmatist. I stress think here because whenever a mind, my mind, or someone else's mind is brought into the equation and making the assessment, absolute objectivity no longer exists. Whenever something, anything, is assessed or analyzed through the mind, and there is nothing that is not, what ever may be the condition or prejudice of that mind becomes a part of the analysis. Therefore, I think I am, rather than I am.
Another person considering me or considering anything else may look at the same thing and observe something totally different. By their perspective they think they are objective, but what is always the case is their perspective is just that "their perspective". In the case of analyzing me, their observation by comparison to mine may well be more objective. The reason being they are not so immediately involved as I am in my person.
But all this does not negate the fact that I think I am... And what I think I am may well be different today than what I think the near, immediate or far future...I am ever evolving, growing, learning... I am not stagnant...at least to the best of my ability that is my goal. What I think I am is not negated just as it records in ancient Scriptures "as a man thinks in his mind, so is he"... or words to that effect.
A moral-ethical purist ... In my own words, simply stated, as much as I can, morality and ethical behavior is not a thing to be imposed by law, rule or code. It is an inmate part of who and what we are. This is what I believe Jesus was teaching. I am good, because "I am good". I am not good because there is something external telling me I must be "good". I am not good because there are legal ramifications, whether that be imprisonment, pain and suffering or even death, I am good because it is who I am, and in my mind I have determined what I do is right.
As a "pragmatist", unfortunately I have had to realize the world is not full of moral-ethical purist's. The unfortunate reality is that many, and many more are influenced, to consider themselves of first and often only importance. The rights and person of others is simply not part of their equation...for whatever reason there is some psychological or mental restraint blinding them to the fact that they do not exist solely. It is from such that I have found confrontation and the potential need to protect myself.
There are few who would not think of themselves as moral or ethical, but is that a subjective assessment, of their own, a rationalization incorporating opinion, a mere construction...a fabrication? Or is it objectively true? Do others not immediately involved observe the same thing? Is their subjectivity possibly more objective than one might think of themselves? I have no answers, but if one truly wants to get to the heart of reality these are questions which must be faced and answered to the better part of our ability.
Unfortunately, like I have said, there is no absolute objectivity...and to my mind, unfortunately, accommodations must be made for fabrications. I can only hope these fabrications do not become accepted as absolutes...absolutes are unalterable, they will always appear in one form or the other... fabrications I would hope may exist, but are not eternal.
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ob·jec·tive
adj.
...
3.
a. Uninfluenced by emotions or personal prejudices: ...
b. Based on observable phenomena; presented factually
...
sub·jec·tive
adj.
1.
a. Proceeding from or taking place in a person's mind rather than the external world: a subjective decision.
b. Particular to a given person; personal: subjective experience.
2. Moodily introspective.
3. Existing only in the mind; illusory.
4. Psychology Existing only within the experiencer's mind.
...
6. Expressing or bringing into prominence the individuality of the artist or author.
...
March 19
Even a dope dealer has friends
I was a resident at the lighthouse mission for about two and half years. For the last two years of my residency I was a desk man, basically that meant I was responsible for the place as I was needed and took over the desk duties in the evenings as regular employees went home. Most of the time during the day I would sit in the lobby area and socialize with others and make myself available as needed. At one time I was called upon to assist someone coming in seeking a pair of boots. The person coming in was Stephen Goings. I had no idea who he was but I found out later he had a reputation to the employees of the mission and in the community.
The next day I was asked to go to the back of the building and look into someone sleeping behind an area known as the smoke pit… Sure enough someone was there. I was asked to return and asked them to leave, this was Stephen Goings. As I returned to the "smoke pit" I had another desk man with me to assist me if needed, though I was in charge and my helper was new and inexperienced. Goings was laid out behind the smoke pit on top of some wood pallets which had been stored there and he had fashioned into a shelter. I told goings he would have to remove himself from the premises, I then went to the other side of the smoke pit and waited, observing through the slats in the fence as to his actions. There were about a half a dozen other lighthouse residents around and observing all these goings on. Goings eventually appeared on a bicycle, which he rode past me, looking threatening. We watched him as he rode off.
I later learned that Stephen Goings was known in the neighborhood and by lighthouse mission employees as a meth head and occasional dope dealer. To me he just appeared as another homeless "bad ass". In actuality I do not know whether he wast actually homeless, apparently not, or at least he had some other place to stay.
About a year ago maybe a little bit less, somebody was killed across the street from my apartment. As we watched the news and started to get more information I found out that it was Stephen Goings, involved in some kind of a dope deal gone bad. Apparently he had met some others at a specified location, it turned out to be across the street. The others were in a pickup truck (I forget if it was three or four of them, three were arrested and charged with murder). They had apparently run Goings over in the pickup truck several times, and tried to make their escape. They were later apprehended.
After the incident this makeshift memorial was set up. I do not know who it was that set it up, I only know on occasion and very irregularly someone comes out to attend to it. This picture was taken this morning, there had been construction along where it is located within the past several weeks, and it obviously has not weathered the winter very well… But this is what is left…
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March 21
I used to think this is right, I now think it was foolish. I used to attribute to everyone a "noble character". But experience has taught me not everyone is of a "noble character". There are those who deserve to be shot. Even though there are some, and some religious sects, who believe that everyone can be redeemed. I am not of such... anymore... And I wonder if it's even worth my time to care.
I do not own a gun. Not because I have any particular problem owning a gun or shooting a gun. But I do realize, if I had a gun there are those I could very easily shoot. And I don't think I could care less.
Because I do realize I am one who can pull the trigger.
March 21
There are certain "do-gooders" who will read into what I write whatever they wish to think I said or wrote. That does not make their interpretation correct. The simple fact is they do not really know me nor have a proper grip on what it is I am trying to say, but rather in their arrogant ignorance, limited self elevated experience, and denying what it is that has made them what they are, think it is their "calling", "prerogative" and presumptive right to determine and implement what is best for me. They have no such right. And simply because they have read the books does not mean they understand the concepts, nor recognize their own positions. George Orwell and Aldiss Huxley, though in many ways both geniuses... Would most certainly recognize the authoritarian nature of those who set themselves up as the definers of what makes good civilization.
Plato was a philosopher and genius, but that does not make everything that Plato espoused right. For about 100 to 150 years Athens became what many (probably most) would call the prototype of democracy. Of the great philosophers, and here I include Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, and most of the religious prophets of the Old Testament, none favored "democratic" government. One thing that was universally understood is that man in his tendency toward self interests, failure to adequately understand and know the facts of virtually any situation... The human being can only sustain such an experiment for a limited period of time before it will devolve into chaos.
The American experiment with our plethora of law and props has essentially become "chaos". Chaos which we choose to bottle and export as the epitome of enlightened minds.
The American experiment has lasted as long as it has, and I am not sure if that is a good thing, because of nothing else but mastering the art of compromise, validating and vindicating lies or whatever else might seem to the best advantage of the system. The failure of the Democratic populous to understand its own frailty and tendency toward self interests, though wishing to think of itself as altruistic, instead acts as the big brother, the eye in the sky, the city set on a hill It is our Manifest Destiny.
Our arrogance can only be compared to that of Rome. We are Imperial. We only package it in the guise of democratization.
March 22
There are some, and from what I understand some who are actually organized as religious as sects, who believe that animals here on earth (and particularly our pets) are in actuality the embodiment of spiritual entities existing on planets and in galaxies far far away. Just as a quick note I am not one of these, but I have learned of them, because I read a lot.
Though I am not one of these "wackos", and I apologize that that must certainly offend certain ones, but no doubt I'm going to offend somebody anyway, regardless of what I write or believe. Now as I was saying simply because some ideas may seem "wacko" does not mean that there is not some validity to it. And as it regards our human responsibility to creatures that inhabit this earth, which we may deem as less than what is our human species, some of these "wackos" have some pretty good ideas, if nothing else certainly more humanitarian than what is our human norm.
I have inherited a dog, for the past five months or so he has become my buddy. I am responsible to see for his medical care, feeding him, taking him for walks, brushing him and whatever else may be necessary to see that he lives as adequate a life I can provide for him. In return he keeps me company, he barks when strangers come to the door, but he comes back when I tell him to. Simply for being who he is, and this means taking a shit away from the apartment, I praise him and let him know he is a "good boy", "good Artie". Sometimes he likes to sniff into things I would rather he didn't, but I suppose that's the compromise I have to make. And I admit I hate pulling some things out of his mouth… I don't think he's too crazy about that either… But there are some things we do…
Like I say I don't believe he's the embodiment of some spiritual entity existing out there someplace… He's Artie… He's my dog, a cocker spaniel… But there are some wackos who I think might have some things together.
March 23
"I've laid around and played around,
"this old town too long
"Summer's almost gone,
"yes, winter's comin' on
"I've laid around and played around,
"this old town too long,
"and I feel like I gotta travel on"
Those are the words from a song I heard a long long time ago... The only thing I'm sure of it is a country song my father used to listen to. but the words have stuck with me and for some reason they've come up now, and they do seem to express something that I feel. I would not take the words literally, because I have no plans or intentions at the moment of going anywhere. But, it's time to get on from the distractions and do what I want to do. what it was my original intention to do... No doubt someone think this to be totally self centered, and that is your prerogative... But that's how I see it. I've tried it by everyone else's rules, and what they thought is best, and maybe for them it is, but now it's time to refocus and get back to business.
You see I am NOT totally brain dead and through the years experiences have taught me, and though sometimes I was hard headed and kept listening to everyone else, their good advice, it's now time to live my life... As worn out as this body is, with the years I have left, it's not as though I have not experienced parts of it. I have. but too many distractions and too much confusion, and standards set up by everyone else, it's time I started playing by my rules... Again.
.
Some would say "again"? with a smirk, or a little smile, thinking "What the hell is he talking about... Again?"... well you see a few years ago I was sitting in a mobile home in Gettysburg Pennsylvania, not much of a mobile home, sure as hell nothing to brag about, and for about 6 months or so I went through one of the most creative periods of my life... I actually produced, and recorded, about a half a dozen or so jazz pieces, of course I sold none of them but that's not unusual... Not for an artist. I was then caught up in one of the most intensive performance periods I have experienced, doing bluegrass on a weekly basis... Not that creative... But definitely challenging.
I eventually went on to move to Rhode Island and partnered up with another musician friend... We pooled our talents working on putting a studio together, and recorded a few of his pieces. His talent was writing, and I did most of the engineering, and played the guitar. What we recorded was rather quite good, and still shows promise... We have regained our connection with each other, and if nothing else is true I think we both recognize the potential that exists between us.
This song is a symbol… I go to bed early, very early, and wake up in the middle of the night, usually to turn the TV off. I think it was last night I woke up, and coming out of a dream this song kept repeating over and over. Dreams are also symbols. There really isn't too much that can be taken literally, but if you have the skills and the understanding objects in the dream can be interpreted… Dreams are one of the psychological mechanisms we have as human beings that help keep us from going crazy… Some might say "well what went wrong in your case?"… I don't know I'm not really that worried about it. But even though I get off track occasionally, eventually something happens, my mind is pricked, and I begin to focus on what I really want to do. Now that is not to say that some of the things that happened or happen are not valid considerations, but more often than not once considered they need to be seen for what they were, "distractions", and now it's time to get back to business.
You know our religions are symbols… They are built on mythologies which once understood are symbols of what it is to be a human being. I know there are those who consider everything about their religion or their "faith" as literal… Well, if that's the world you want to live in, live in it… But I personally think you've missed it.
All of life is presented as "symbols, I think the question each and every one of us has to deal with or ask ourselves is "what do I want to do with it?" Do with yours what you wish,… As disorganized and fragmented as mine might seem to some… I do have direction… I do pay attention… And life gets back on track… And as long as I'm not dead… I will get there.
March 26
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pDUwak1GA4
Alan Parsons once produced music in a group named "the Alan Parsons Project". This was a long time ago, probably ancient history to most… You know back around the time of the Beatles and Pink Floyd. Back then I wondered why I hadn't heard very much from him but more recently it has come to light… why. You see Alan Parsons had gained a reputation as a legendary musician, but he was also a producer, recording engineer, and employed by Abbey Roads studios… You know the place the Beatles founded.
I hadn't heard much from Alan Parsons because he was involved engineering the works of such groups as the Beatles and Pink Floyd. Recently Alan Parsons co-authored a book explaining his theory and approach to audio recording… This is actually based on a DVD set covering the same subject matter.
Parsons is a very easy going guy… Not at all technically inclined or demanding. I am about to become more involved recording and playing, but I figured it was wise to bone up on a few things. Technology has come a long way, and what cost me nearly $2000.10 years ago or so can now be had for a fraction of the cost… With some improvements… Easier direct connections, etc. But the basics of sound remain the same, there are some basic understandings which are well remembered when you want to craft something that will be pleasing to listen to… Certain frequencies behave different ways, and when mixed together to either sound like mud or ambrosia … Which would you prefer to come to your ears.
Recording in a studio or recording live each have their own specific issues to be dealt with… It isn't as if one is the same as the other… It ain't. But it doesn't take a whole lot of knowledge, just enough to understand the basics, and most of music is subjective… Do you like what you hear?… If not, what can you do to change the sound? Even though all the basic elements, all the right notes, the beat etc. are there… What can you do to make this sound better… But forget about all this perfectionist Bullshit… There reaches a point when you have got to realize "this is it"… Of course there's a lot that goes into this… Listening on different sets of speakers and headphones… Even something comparable to a car radio speaker… Does it still sound complete?… 95% of the all this are subjective appraisals… "Does it sound good to you?"… That is part of the Parsons philosophy that I have held ever since I started this thing… Years and years ago. But, it goes a long way to understand what turning this or that knob will do…
In any case the books are available and so are the videos, and from what experience I've had in the past… I think I'll start having a little bit of fun…
March 31
As a general rule... People who at one point or another help you, begin to figure that you owe them... Very much so like Congress and owing political favors...
Surprise them...
Be your own person.
Compassionate assistance does not equate to being bought... (if someone wants to trade favors, state it from the beginning).
March 31
"They may torture my body, break my bones, even kill me. Then they will have my dead body, but not my obedience."
Mahatma Gandhi
I am from Indiana, I do not support this New supposed "religious" law. You know the one that gays / lesbians are afraid will open up discrimination against them. First, who would want to do business with anyone who acts so ignorantly? Second, do we really think we can change people by forcing them to acquiesce to any law?
Until inner attitudes have changed... There is no real change... Just a lot of resentment. and resentment eventually grows and explodes into something much bigger.
April 3
When I first came to Terre Haute my first impression was to see everyone through the lens of the 19th century novelist Mark Twain. I saw everyone as a caricature as depicted In either Tom Sawyer or Huckleberry Finn. Eventually, as I began to observe more with my own eyes, caricatures became characters, with their own human qualities, but still many caricatures remained. Of course you have to understand, checking into the Lighthouse Mission, my associations could not be further from the norms of social acceptability.
I'm sure lack of education in most I had been observing played a part in this. But, overtime, and not that much time, it became more evident that simply a general pervasive ignorance abounded, and a higher education was only a stepping stone up the ladder to a better avoidance of the pitfalls of ignorance accepted as the norm.
Religion, and particularly "that old time religion", dominates the culture. That is not to say that educated, better knowing persons do not exist, and often hold positions of leadership and authority. But "the old time religious nature" of the community in general so dominates and permeates that even the most ignorant, or most educated or enlightened, at least as regarded as so by the general populace, is affected or held in the grasp of images and memes regarded as not only absolute but sacred. So is the state of Middle America. a state where education and intelligence is not a guarantee of leadership, but rather, for the most part an impediment, something to be disguised... Hidden... Pretended not to be. Such is the American regard for egalitarianism... Religious ignorance is allowed its sway, and as long as it can hold its grasp, defines what it is to be human. That does not make it accurate or correct, it only means it is dominant.
April 5
There are few things I actually "need". Food, to sustain my body… Clothing, to protect me from the elements and maintain a certain minimal level of circumspection as those I contact may be uncomfortable with my nakedness… Shelter, to protect me from the more undesirable elements of nature… Virtually everything else is not a matter of need, but rather convenience.
Now I undoubtedly admit that these conveniences certainly make life much more comfortable… But for the most part they are not a matter of survival or "need". There are many things I may construe as "need"… But they are not so much "need" as they are a matter of accommodating the world around me… And by "the world" I do not mean nature and its elements but rather the social environment created and accepted by man and culture.
I am sometimes baffled by what so many religious persons claim… Because what they supposedly claim simply is not manifest in the lives they live. This covers many doctrine, many of which I acknowledge myself, but do not accept on any religious premise… That may not have been so initially but recognizing a depth that transcends a "religious acceptability" there is so much that is missed by the merely "religious". It has reached a point that regardless of the religious doctrine, or the mythology adhered to… What is important are not these, but rather the depth which so many miss or are afraid to accept.
Most "religions" stress essentially the same things… Things the common, pretended religious, find it so convenient not to recognize… If not outright deny… Why would I want to be part of such?… I don't… Anymore… Social acceptability holds little meaning… If it has to be pretended.… But if that's what makes you comfortable………
April 9
"Group unity in participation is still so widely prevalent, even in modern man, that it is only through the ceaseless conscious efforts of certain individuals of genius that we gradually become aware of the psychic factors which, as the unconscious "cultural pattern" we so blindly accept, regulate the life and death of each one of us. Although enjoying a higher conscious development, probably, than any previously attained by man, modern individuals, for all their conscious achievements, are still deeply embedded in the tissue of their group and its unconscious laws." Erich Neumann… The Origins and History of Consciousness.
I am currently reading this book "the origins and history of consciousness". Often when I read there are passages which are difficult to comprehend and many times I find myself interpreting these in my own words, usually simpler than what has been written, but still difficult to try to explain to another. Sometimes I wonder how much I am getting out of my reading… Then occasionally… After I had been reading and coming to certain conclusions, which I only assume are correct and I hope the author doesn't write something to contradict the conclusions I have been perceiving… A paragraph is delivered to me which sums up what the author has been leading to and what I have been understanding, in my own simplistic way of thinking.
I'm about three quarters or more through this book. It is not one I would recommend to everyone… If there is not the interests in mythology depth psychology and consciousness studies… The only thing you will get out of this is to be baffled and put it down thinking "that was a waste of time"… But, if there is the interests, and you are not afraid to entertain possibilities which transcend conventional thinking IE the limitations of a Christian worldview… A whole new world of possibilities development and growth await you… But it is like they say "it don't come easy"… It is work. But there may come a point when the author takes this 500+ page book, slaps you across the head with it and tells you "you got it, dummy".
