Ignorance Knows No Bounds

When I first left Kansas and landed in Oz I was mesmerized. I thought what a wonderful place, so beautiful, so interesting, such bright colors, and fascinating people. So much was new, so much I had never imagined. And the Munchkins were so cute, quaint. And to get anywhere, there was only one way to go to get there, “Follow the yellow brick road”. So simple, “Why didn’t I think of that?” With Toto in tow I wound myself round and was off to see the wizard.

I found a friend … the inquisitive sort … but nothing was sure … and soon became a bore … So Toto in tow, and one friend mo’, down the road we did go … off to see the wizard …

Such beautiful apples … a delight to the eye and good to eat … (didn’t I hear this myth in Kansas) … “maybe they can make us “wise” and we can know” … But they were corporate property and not to be had easily … so dumb shit straw head started a tiff … nothing too big mind you … just enough to piss off the corpos and to placate us they tossed some budgeted consumer good will merchandise at us … and a non-transferable, ten percent off the purchase of any of their over inflated regularly priced goods, limited time only, redeemable at any of their franchised outlets – coupon. But there was too much fine print to fit on the coupon, and we didn’t have a lawyer to interpret it all for us – so we went looking for the Wicked Witch of the West so we could cram it up her ass. We found the witch, but she was a tight ass, so after getting a bit burned, we flipped her the bird, and Toto in tow, with my friend Moe, and a few wise apples, down the road we did go, off to see the wizard.

Oh, I almost forgot – we came across this hollow dude – just sort of hangin’ out (it’s easy to forget about hollow dudes). I think he’d been stuck there for a while … I think he had experienced some sort of emotional trauma … didn’t like to talk about it very much … and we didn’t push the issue … But … we gave him a bit of moral support .. Asked if he wanted to join the band … (he was a hell of a metal drummer) … and Toto in tow, a Hollow Dude, Moe, and yours truly … by this time we had consumed the apples … down the road we did go … off to see the wizard …

Not is all cool along this endless highway … we passed through some underdeveloped depressed areas … god damn friggin’ cop webs every fuckin’ place … OH … excuse me … that should have been “cob” webs … mustn’t confuse the issue or malign those so nobly dedicated to “protect and to serve” … And watch out for the fat cats … the slum lords … we ran into one … tried to bully us … I think they call it extortion … he sounded real tough … but he was really a pussy … had this strange fascination with tails .. particularly his own … but we figured he’d be good to help guard our asses … we found out later he made a damn good lead singer … so Toto in tow, Hollow Dude, Moe, Pussy and Yo – yours truly … down the road we did go … off to see the wizard …

I don’t know what got into Tight Ass, but she really had a tude. But you got to give her credit; she had some connections to some really good shit … I mean kick ass brain numbing stuff. Yo- yours truly, Pussy, and even Toto got absolutely wasted … fucked up … but damn those dreams were amazing … Hollow Dude got all emotional and reverted back to his former post-traumatic condition and was useless … Moe ran around like a chicken with it’s head cut off … I suppose it’s all the same … He never did have too much upstairs … Then … what would you think … This God damn Miss Goody Two Shoes fairy angel has to stick her nose into our stuff and do what SHE decides is best for us, waves her fuckin’ wand, hides the stash, replaces it with some snow … NO ..no .. no … I mean “snow” … you know … the white shit that falls from the sky … the cold stuff … not the nose stuff … Damn religious do gooders … I thought I left all that back in Kansas … Any way … we get our heads back together … gave Hollow Dude emotional support .. and headed up the road … off to see the wizard … (bet you thought I was going to do the Toto in tow routine … well … the songs not over yet)

Well … we made it to the Forbidden City … real uptight, nervous, defensive control freaks these citizens in the green … Don’t get me wrong … once they let us in they were nice enough … but talk about fear … and unable to think for themselves … sheesh … My God … sure … they had all these fancy services and weird horses that could trip your mind … but anything that was new or not “usual” to the Forbidden City … they went into a tizzy … Get this … Tight Ass is flyin’ round … oh I’d say about a thousand feet up … I think she had some really special stuff that her and her fellow bitches … ahhhh … “witches” can get … but she’s up there … I mean really smokin’ …That broom was really doin’ a number … And these green freaks are scared shitless … I mean scared … shitless … You’d think they’ve never seen anybody ever enter an altered state of consciousness and connect with their higher inner self and realize an out of body experience … Well … maybe they haven’t … but to go into a tizzy over it … And all they could do was cower and cry … “The wizard will know, lets see the wizard” … I don’t know … but this wizard guy really had this place by the balls … or so it would appear … And what’s so weird is … Nobody can see the wizard …not nobody … no how … At least … that’s the line you are handed at the door … And these dumb shits the wizard surrounds himself with … they don’t know whether they’re coming or going … But I have a suspicion … a theory … I don’t think anybody around the wizard knows … because the wizard doesn’t know … Of course …at this particular time that was just a theory … and since I had shared it with Moe, Hollow Dude and Pussy … it was written off as a conspiracy theory … But this WIZ … he knew how to intimidate … Ole Pussy shit himself running to the john … at least that’s where I think he was running to …

Any way the WIZ turned out to be an ass … nothing new there .. most of them are I think … but WIZ was a wiz of an ass … and had this fetish for Tight Asses broom stick … I think they had some kind of a kinky relationship and he wanted a keep sake … You know something to connect with … make it a little easier to get into the fantasy …

Well we went looking for Tight Ass … little did we know we were under surveillance … Not the WIZ (although if he could have he would have) … but Tight Ass … she had the cctv system that seemed to be everywhere … Damn … at one time it was zeroing in on Kansas … I can only say … it was a god damn good thing her and the WIZ broke up … can you imagine those kind of power tools in the hands of unscrupulous ego maniacs … well … just thank your lucky stars this is just a fantasy … I hate to think it might be real … would be up shit’s creek … hmmm… hmmm … hmmm

Well … Tight Ass got her bead on us … and who the hell knows where she got them … but she had all these flying monkeys … I mean ugly dudes … maybe there were a few dudettes … but they were still ugly … Damn ugly … “How ugly?” … DAMN …ugly … I’m not real sure … but I believe these were the “demons” that the jolly green folk may have been so scared shitless of … They sure fit the profile … That may explain the break up with the WIZ … green folk can’t handle too much weird stuff … throws them all off balance … they need regularity … a place for everything and everything in it’s place … but please …. Don’t make the mistake of letting them clean your home if you are sick and can’t yourself … you won’t be able to find shit … they’ll know where they put things … and they’ll assume you should know… but you have to love them … and forgive them … they mean well … but sometimes …they like to assume they can rearrange your home as if it were their home … but don’t be afraid to kick their asses out…

Any way … back to our fantasy … The monkeys really made a mess of things … Poor ole Moe is scattered all over the place … straw men can be pretty flimsy … but I guess they serve a purpose … but if you ask me … a little bit phony … (but keep that to yourself) … we wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings … The monkey’s grabbed yours truly and Toto and spirited us away to some dingy detention center for an “interview”. Tight Ass was trying all her psychological interrogation techniques … and was about to prepare for the water boarding … I admit … I was starting to get scared … and that cctv system … you know … I think Tight Ass must have some sort of “borg” implant … because she can be flyin’ who knows where and keep her eye on you … scary shit indeed …

Toto managed to make a break and hooked up with Moe, Hollow Dude and Pussy. They decided to infiltrate the ranks of Tight Asses military .. kind of a covert operation … They got in and followed Toto to break me out. … Now the shit starts to hit the fan … fuckin’ Marx brother’s movie it was … You’d think the military would have their shit together … but … I suppose when you have a Tight Ass in charge you can only expect so much … then again maybe it wasn’t the military but the Tight Ass in charge … don’t matter … Well … we were cornered … no way out of this one … Moe was getting burned … this was desperate … Some how … out of somewhere this “presumed” bucket of water appears …I say presumed because that’s what I thought it was … Trying to douse the flames consuming Moe (straw men make great fires) … Tight Ass got soaked … It was then that I realized that this bucket of water was actually a bucket of sulfuric acid … well … Tight Ass and the acid didn’t mix too well … just be careful to step around the puddle …

We got the broom stick and made it back to WIZ … But WIZ was waffling … Lying bastard tried to crawfish … But Toto ain’t no dumb huckleberry … that dog got smarts … and what should appear from behind the curtain … Well … If it isn’t Professor “fucking” Marvel … the Flim Flam man … well … well … well

Well PfM got exposed and made a cunning exit … Moe, Hollow Dude and Pussy took control of the Forbidden City … yours truly found Miss Goody Two Shoes and told her to forget the going back to Kansas crap … I just wanted the rest of the “really good shit” she snatched and get out of my life … to which she complied And I lived happily ever after … but I’m not so sure of the residents of the Forbidden City … because … since they didn’t pay attention to the man behind the curtain … they ended up with a “straw man, a hollow dude and a pussy” running the show …

So if there is a moral to this story … I think it would be this “Pay attention to the man behind the curtain – because even in the land of OZ … Ignorance Knows No Bounds … flim flam, straw man, hollow man, pussy … sounds like a sure combination for political success”